let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
