you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
