All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
