Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
