i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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