I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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