I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
