I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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