i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
