so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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