you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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