My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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