Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
