Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
