Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
