cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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