I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
