the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
