My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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