I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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