what day is it and did you see me today?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
