I think my fart just growled at me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize