i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
