I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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