i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
