I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
