Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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