great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
