When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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