it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
