I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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