This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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