I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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