the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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