yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
