Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
