you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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