will power is for people who don't want to get laid
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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