I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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