Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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