We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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