so that wasnt chicken after all
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
