I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dear god my vagina.
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