just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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