are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
