I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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