wakey wakey hands off snakey
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
