Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
