The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
