He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
