ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just cut my nipple shaving
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
