How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
