life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
